I had my performance review with my boss about two weeks ago, and unlike any I have ever had before, it was worthwhile. We spent the majority of the time mocking the process, talking about plans for the upcoming year, and agreeing that I should study next year while continuing to work. Which, I think we can all agree, is awesome.
Particularly the fact that we both agreed the concept of a performance review generally implies that your performance has not been tracked for the rest of the year - yay for good governance!
But generally, if you're not blessed to work where I now do, performance reviews go like this:
- You get given a sheet to fill out.
- You fill in your "goals" from a list of goals provided to you by the organisation.
- You give a vague idea of what you'd like to be doing at two arbitrary intervals in the future - generally 1 and 5 years. Try and think of something adventurous, but not too adventurous - "I see myself in a management role" is good, "I see myself beheading the entire board one-by-one on a guillotine made from the bones of middle-management, marching upon parliament with a burlap sack sodden with their bloody heads, installing myself as Supreme Commander of the government and military, and reigning for a thousand years in blood and tyranny" is perhaps over-stepping the invitation.
- Then either,
a) Your boss tells you that you didn't do what you said you'd do last year, but that you met your performance management obligations so you're not fired, and you get an "Acceptable"; or...
b) Your manager writes that you've done what you said you'd do in the previous year, tells you that you've "excelled" and then admits that no one is allowed to be graded as "excelling", because upper management have vetoed all bonuses for this year, and "excelling" means you contractually must be given a bonus. - Both you and your manager go back to your desks wishing the whole meeting had never happened.
I'll let you guess whose prediction I mean.
Performance reviews - 2/5
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